some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
