If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
