i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
