I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
