Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
