you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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