Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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