I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
