This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
