i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
