Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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