Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
