I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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