i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize