I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We talked him into tasing himself.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
