I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
