Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
