So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
