Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
she smelled like a LAN party
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
