My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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