There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize