I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Houston, we have a squirter
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
