You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
