Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
