YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize