"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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