Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
