I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
