Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
