he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
