You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize