Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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