tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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