i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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