You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I want to fling myself into the sun
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
