we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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