Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
