She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Don't make out with my wife yet
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
