i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
