Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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