I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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