apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
