ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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