I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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