I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
