i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
