im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
