she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
