i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
