i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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