if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
