I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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