after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
