My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
