Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
