How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
