I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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