you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
