i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
