i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
porn star boner night. come get it.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize